Piece Of My Heart

It's amazing how many things people can deal with and go through and still keep a smiling face for others to see. It makes me wonder what goes on behind closed doors.

I have a story like that.
About me.
And Chad, of course, but this is my perspective and how my eyes saw it and how I dealt with it.

I've never written this story down. I've never even told anyone in detail how it felt and what I did to get through that day. Because that's how I am. If you don't say or write it out loud, it's somehow less real.

So here goes....

March 19, 2008.
A day I will never forget.
Two years ago today, I lost a baby.
And I hid it from everyone I saw that day, except for Chad.

Just typing those words makes me cry again. Because now the memories of that day come flooding back. And the horror. And the helplessness. And the defeat. And the stress of remaining "normal".

But let me back up a little and tell you more.

The month after Maddox turned 1 year old, Chad and I started trying for another baby. It had taken me no time at all to get pregnant with Maddox, so when 3 months had gone by and I was still not pregnant this second time, I saw my doctor. He said, Don't worry! Be patient.

Well, okay. Three months is not long. And then, 6 months came along and I saw a new doctor. (This doctor, I love! So sincere, encouraging, and understanding.) He agreed with me that I was dealing with secondary infertility and told me my options.

Since I was starting to panic inside (and obsess daily) about this, I decided to start on fertility drugs. He put me on Clomid to make my body work properly and I thought....Ok, here we go!

Months went by and with each passing day I became more obsessed with reading about it, looking at the Clomid message boards on a baby site, and wondering what else I could do to up our chances. If you haven't dealt with this, then you will not believe the money that goes into this obsession. The pills, the ovulation predictor kits, the pregnancy tests (because you have to know NOW if it worked), etc.

I had told only 1 or 2 people that we were trying for another child. Neither of these people were family. I only told people who had no connection with my family or friends back home because I didn't want that pressure and wondering going on.

So, imagine my excitement, elation, giddiness, and thankfulness when finally, TWELVE MONTHS later, I found out I was pregnant!! I don't remember the day, but it was in March and we had just had a tragedy in our family and I was so excited that this happy news might overshadow that a little bit.

The morning of March 19th, I woke up and was all packed to go out of town. Maddox and I were going to visit my mother and some other friends for a long weekend. And most exciting of all for me, I was going to the Hotel Cafe Tour 2008 concert in Atlanta that night. Mom was babysitting for that. :)

Chad was about to leave for work, I was showering before we left, and Maddox was just waiting. And that's when it started happening. 

I got out of the shower. Shaking. I yelled for Chad and told him what was happening. And we just sort of looked at each other with these expressions like "Oh no."

I knew I couldn't lose my mind because I needed to just leave. I wasn't changing my plans. And I tried to tell myself that it wasn't real.

But I knew. 

And more importantly, I knew I had to be a mommy for the perfect little man THAT I ALREADY HAD. I kept looking at Maddox thinking - Remember, you have a child. You HAVE a child. Remember this. Keep it together. Be thankful.

I told Chad to go on to work and he did. There was nothing we could do. 

I started to drive out of town and just kept thinking about what was happening right then. And it made me sick to my stomach.

My nurse called and the sweet lady told me that she was terribly sorry, but I was miscarrying and there was nothing I could do. I asked her....what do I do now? She said, well you're early enough that you can try again this month. If you want.

I was not going to give up.

I had to get past this somehow, so she called in a new prescription for another round of Clomid so I would be ready the next time. Yuck. Another. round. of. Clomid. (If you've never taken it, then you don't know how awful the side effects can be.)

I got to my mom's house a few hours later and must have put on a good show, because not one person asked me if I was okay. I was totally pulled together, but inside my heart was breaking. 

I dropped Maddox with her, picked up my sister-in-law, Becky, and we headed to that concert.

Thank God for beautiful music and a place to get lost in it. 

There at Center Stage, Atlanta, was where I focused on the music, the moment, and the overwhelming thoughts in my head. 

Becky was exhausted from working at the hospital all day, so she was just happy to sit and rest her feet in a seat near the front. I'm so thankful for that also. I needed that concert alone that day. 

I walked up front and was about 3 feet from the stage. 

The music was beautiful. 

It was meaningful.

They made me laugh. 

The songs made me think of my love for Chad and Maddox and how I was so lucky.  

Even though this horrible thing was happening to me. Right there. 

It was a healing experience for me. I can't quite describe it. Too many emotions were swarming my mind, but music can help patch your broken heart. Even when a little piece is missing.

I stood there for 2 hours absorbing those sounds, choking back my sobs....but it was okay. I was alone in a sea of people and was able to really feel that moment. 

I recently found these videos on Youtube of the exact concert I was at that night. I watched them and whoa...that feeling in my gut came rolling back in and I remembered. It was hard. But I really wanted to share some of these amazing songs. Except for Keep Breathing & Sky, these videos are from that night. You can click on each song title to listen. These lyrics & melodies mean so much to me.

When you are looking at the stage, I was standing just to the right of Joshua when he was singing with Ingrid. I think there were 3 people in front of me. It was amazing.

Every time I hear each of these songs, I specifically think of what I was going through that day.

And that's okay. Remembering is good. :)

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

Lovely Tonight - Joshua Radin featuring Ingrid Michaelson

Closer - Joshua Radin

The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson

Sky - Joshua Radin featuring Ingrid Michaelson

Super nice guy (Joshua Radin) with me and Becky.

I know this was long and I could share so much more from that day, but I won't. At least for now. It just felt good to share this today.

Room Tour: Sweet Woodlands Nursery

Here it is. What (some of) you have been waiting for. Well, at least a peek.

In the past year and a half, many of you have personally asked me to send you pictures of our newest home. And I think that those of you who asked have either finally visited us here or have given up asking for pictures. I'm so sorry it has taken me so long.

I hesitated to post pictures of our new home for this reason. It seems sort of like "showing off" what you have. But as I look at other sites and blogs and personal friends' pictures of their homes, I realize that it doesn't have to seem like that! I genuinely enjoy seeing where other people live and how they decorate. I realize not everyone cares, but it's something I'm interested in. So now I will share a little snippet for starters.

Also, I AM proud of Chad and what he has worked hard to provide for me and the kids. And I truly, deep, deep down, feel that God has blessed us with the life that we have. We have lived in our dream home (for us) for a year and a half now....here's a peek. :)

My first room tour will be: Magdalen's Sweet Woodlands Nursery

And, oh, how special this room is to me.

And it always will be.

If you have a child, then you know that the first room you had for your baby will always be special in your heart. It's where you learn who your child is, what their cries sound like, maybe their first giggle on the changing table, watch them play on the rug, and where you will quickly wear in that rocking chair with thousands of minutes rocking, back and forth.

This is the room where I nursed my baby for the majority of a year, where I held her when she had night terrors, where I would rock her in my arms as we both cried, where her sweet Brother would lay his head on the rocking chair arm to love on her little head, and where I would go to just sit and enjoy the calm of holding her sweaty, sleeping body to mine.

All the things that we went through to have this child in our arms *almost* vanished from memory when we brought her home to this room. {That will be a post for another day soon.}

And here is a glimpse of what will be engraved in my memory when I always think of my sweet girl as a baby.

Butterfly mobile (Pottery Barn Kids) - baby gift from Mom

Bedding from the Brooke Collection at Pottery Barn Kids - baby gift from my Mom

Lambie from Serena & Lily - from me for her 1st birthday

Crocheted blanket from my Senior English teacher, Miss Conerly 

(She sleeps with both of these items every. single. night.)

Butterflies (PBK) - from Grandma Marlene

Changing table, free from a friend

Green storage totes from PBK

Lamp from Target

Wooden handpainted frame - from my friend, Ashley B.

Random frames from Hobby Lobby 

(Magdalen rips the picture out, so I'll just leave it until she's older.)

Below:

Lamp from Target (pretty cheesy and not my style, but I couldn't help myself with the double layer shade and the owls!)

Piggy bank was mine as a child

Our reading/snuggling corner. :)

Hot pink rocker from Once Upon A Child

Bird pillow from Walmart (who knew?)

Owl pillow, quilt, & rug from the Brooke collection (PBK) - from Mom

Dollhouse bookshelf from Target

Monogrammed bag holding her first soft (fabric) tea set (PBK) - from Dad & Donna

Fabric cupcake set (PBK) - from me

Fabric birdhouse w/ 3 little birds (PBK) from Magdalen's Aunt Heather  - this is one of her favorite toys!

This Little Piggy Went To Prada book from Aunt Heather

Fabric 3 layer cake on the right (PBK) - from Mom

Soft dollhouse with accessories/people inside (PBK) - gift from Mom

Fabric chicken & chicks (PBK) - from us

Felt storage house (PBK) - from us

So, now that I've gone through the list of the things that make this room so special, I see that I should be a walking talking advertisement for Pottery Barn Kids. Sheesh. I don't usually like matchy-matchy rooms, but when you're hugely pregnant & taking care of a 2.5 year old all day, you just pick what you love and roll with it. :) 

I also was very against a pink room. I can (obviously) handle punches of pink, but no way was I going to force it on her. We went with the palest, most feminine blue I could find and I'm in love with the color. I wish I could portray to you how calming this room is because of that. And bright! I have to have bright rooms or I will go insane. (Ask Chad, because he's the EXACT OPPOSITE.) 

Anyway, I'm happy with it. Magdalen is happy with it. And most importantly of all, she has a bed. She has a home. She has many loving arms that have held her. I really couldn't ask for more for her little life right now. 

Our precious, Magdalen, at 4 months old while I was taking her picture for her announcements. Better late than never, right? I miss those chubby rolls and squishy cheeks!!

Here is that sweet boy I talk so much about. Our Maddox. He is the absolute sweetest big brother that I have ever seen in all my life. He loves her so much it truly amazes me. I love pictures like this where they are just snuggling or happy to be together. If my heart could, it would be singing a joyful song!

So there you have it. A look into our home and the smallest bedroom in the house, where our baby girl lays her perfect little head each night. :)

(P.S. My friend, Cindy, told me a few weeks ago that she dreamed that I lived in a huge, huge house. I laughed out loud. And so did my mother. I'm not sure why she pictured that, but now she'll see that we are normal house people.  Haha!)

Introducing Gussy

Like what you see??

                                                                                        

I know my pictures don't do these bags justice, but they are so stinking cute!

 I purchased my first Gussy bag back in November when I saw it on Etsy. I ended up giving it to my sister-in-law as a Christmas gift because I had actually purchased it for her. :) I really wanted to keep it though. 

The three Gussy bags above are mine. All mine. (You can't hear my giggly excitement, so just imagine it. It's there.)

                           

I first bought this little pink ruffled Gussy zip bag a week or two after my first purchase because it was just too cute and the fabric was one of my favorites. (If you know me well, you know how I get that crazy-eye and my heart starts to beat a little faster when I see some sweet fabric.) I had to have it. :)

That very same week...I WON this black/white checked w/ purple ruffle wallet from a giveaway that Gussy herself was doing on her blog. I NEVER WIN ANYTHING. How lucky did I get that day!

Please go look at Gussy's post HERE to see who else loves a Gussy wallet today. You'll be pleasantly surprised....hint hint family & friends, you might see one of my offspring. ;)

And finally, I had to have this light blue w/ gold checked ruffle laptop bag she was selling. I had been eyeing it ever since she posted it and one day I just snatched it up. My favorite detail is that perfect button. I actually don't even use this for my laptop...I use it for my Bible study materials. A Study Guide and my Bible, along with my highlighters/pens, fit in this bag just perfectly. I love it!!

Does anyone notice what makes these Gussy bags? RUFFLES! And you know I'm not a ruffle-y type of girl, but these are right up my alley. 

Now that I've given you the eye candy, let me introduce you to the face behind the Gussy name. I have had the pleasure, during the last few months, to watch the amazing business growth of a most adorable Maggie Whitley (THE Gussy).

(photo source)

She is the sweetest thing. You will have to read her story about her and her husband here. They remind me of a younger version of Chad and myself, in more ways than one, and it's very neat to hear about them.

When I first started buying from her and following her blog, her sales were high. BUT, I then watched her business explode over what seemed like just a few days, during the holidays. It was amazing and I am truly so happy for her. Her post on Everyday Uses with a Gussy product was linked up in the LA Times Daily Dish last week.

Gussy has been kind enough to answer my blogging/business/sewing questions lately and I have greatly appreciated her kindness and willingness to share her thoughts, advice, and knowledge.

She keeps coming up with new designs that are adorable. Take a peek at her new product (I need a checkbook cover like nobody's business!) and you might find something for yourself or a friend. Even  ruffled note cards!! Love them!
  
It would be great fun to meet her someday and let her talk my ear off because I've been told that I can't be beat in that department. ;)

Go check out Gussy's shop, her blog, her Facebook fan page, or even read her fun tweets on Twitter. You will not be disappointed!

(P.S. And just one more time for this proud Mama in case you missed it - another peek at MY sweet Maggie-girl on Gussy/Maggie's post.)