Hose Man Strikes Again!

Oh no, you say? Oh YES!!!

I know everyone will think I made this story up, it just seems so crazy after what happened on Friday. But friends, I could not make this stuff up. I'm sorry. Here goes: 

A lazy Sunday morning, everything's going great. Baby girl had taken a great morning nap, we were all showered and ready to head out the door at a decent time. We decided to have brunch at Mimi's Cafe down the road, just for something fun to do. Brunch was great. Manners were great. Food stayed on the plate, that's always a plus. Then we headed to Kroger.

We arrived at the grocery store and I was excited. You see, Chad does NOT like grocery shopping together. I think he thinks it's a waste of time. Like, why should we go together if one of us could be doing something else productive? But for me, it's just another normal way to spend time as a family. =)

Magdalen was in her carseat in the cart and I took charge of Maddox while Chad drove the cart. We had gone down about 3 aisles when Maddox said those dreaded words, "Mommy, I need to go potty." Well, darn it. I had just been in there myself and didn't want to go again, must less take him. 

Horrible, I know, but I still have germ-a-phobia. I've tried so hard just to zone out when I have to help him in the public restroom setting. I don't want to think about what he's touching, I just try to focus on the fact that we WILL wash & scrub and then wash & scrub our hands some more. And then we WILL NOT touch the door on the way out, or by golly, we will wash & scrub again!!  I feel badly, as if I'm putting some irrational fear into him about public spaces, but I truly just can't help myself. Some uncontrollable force takes over inside me and I become Psycho Germ-a-phobe Mom. 

ANYWAY. We're still working on the technique out in public, and have had many successes along with a few minor mishaps. Today was an exception. A HUGE exception. Wow. 

We head to the bathroom, no big deal, and go into the biggest stall available. This is for my purposes only, the farther away the walls are from the toilet, the less likely he is to touch anything. (I know.....crazy.) I help him get ready to sit on the toilet and decide to let him sit sideways because of that weird break in the seat. It's never child-friendly. Well, let's just say I made a huge mistake, but I learned something today. 

I learned how "Hose Man" was born. 

As I held him over the seat, I was looking down to make sure I had him on there right. Before I was ready, hose man was ready. Immediately, he was peeing on his hair, across the stall, on his pants, while I am trying to dodge it and saying "Stop peeing. Stop peeing. Wait!!!" 

What can I say? I panicked. I thought he stopped for a second and I stood him up on the ground facing me and he started again. In my panicked, what-the-heck-do-I-do state, I just watched him pee all over the floor (and my pants leg) as I backed up against the far side of the stall and waited for it to end. (HORROR, I KNOW.) He then proceeded to say, "Oh no! Look Mommy, it's even on your pants" which I didn't know until he so kindly pointed it out. And then with a sheepish does-Mommy-think-that-was-funny-or-NOT look, he also quietly said, "I guess I decided to be a hose man again." Looking back, I laugh. 

He had soaked his jeans, his undies, and his Crocs. There was a puddle of pee on the floor big enough to jump in and make a splash. What would you do? I dug out my cell phone and called Chad. No answer. Of course, his phone was in the car. I couldn't leave Maddox in there alone, but I couldn't just take his clothes off and carry him naked through a grocery store!! 

So, I walked out the door and found an employee and asked for a bag for his clothes and told them there was an "accident'' that needed cleaning. I came back and realized that Maddox had followed me across the entire bathroom with his pants around his ankles and had made an even further mess. I got mad because he had moved when I told him not to, which I apologized for later. I can't expect a 3 year old to stand there like that while I walk to the door. I brought in paper towels to try and do my duty of clean-up. They were no match for that mess. So then I laid fresh paper towels down on the floor and had him sit down so I could get his dirty attire off. 

Then I had to figure out how to get him to the car. I put his half wet undies back on him, wrapped his dirty pants & shoes in the bag and had to carry him stretched flat out on his stomach like Superman through the grocery store. Are you picturing this yet? 

As I carried him very quickly, looking down each aisle for my husband & daughter, I almost started laughing. We were a sight to behold, I'm sure. When I finally spotted Chad, I yelled his name and I wish I had a picture of his face when he turned around and saw us. He totally started laughing and I just yelled (while straining under the weight of Maddox's body), "We'll be in the car!!!" Chad just calmly said "okay", chuckled, and turned around to continue shopping. 

I kept waiting for someone to stop me as I carried Superboy out the door. I'm sure we looked suspicious. We got outside and I reached in my bag and realized that I didn't have my keys. Really. Thankfully, this is when I truly started laughing and saw the plastic chairs they sell outside. Maddox and I sat down and had a nice, hot rest while waiting on Chad & Maggie girl. 

You know, they say you learn something new every day. I'm just wishing it was once a week. =)

My "Hose" Man

 Let me start the story by saying that I'm sick. I'm not sure what it is yet, but my teeth ache (usually the sign of a sinus infection for me), my head hurts, my nose is very stuffy, and my whole body just aches. (And no, that's not from the Zumba class I did this week.) Magdalen was sick first. Then me, and now we wake up today and Maddox is sick. Yippee. 

Chad heads off to work with me saying "I just want to cry, honey" because I know this day is going to be rough. But what does crying do? Nothing. So, as a Mom, you just suck it up and go on with life. 

I had a million errands to do. I ran to Hobby Lobby to buy fabric for a craft for Sabbath School tomorrow. (Joseph and his crazy coat). We went through drive-thru at Taco Bell because I'm just too sick to find food and too sick to go grocery shopping right now. We came home and after lunch I somehow (praise Jesus) got them down for a nap/quiet time at the SAME TIME. I actually think I slept for a total of 45 minutes, with interruptions every 15 minutes. But hey! At least I slept. 

After nap time, I was feeling like I might be able to finish my errands. Magdalen was fed and all I needed to do was get her downstairs and in her car seat. I told Maddox to put his shoes on and stand right by the door and wait. What was I thinking? That he would be standing there when I rounded the stair banister? Of course not, silly Amanda. Let's just blame it on being sick, shall we? What I found when I came down was no Maddox. I called for him and he said, "I DO have to pee, Mommy!" I'm not one to stop a 3 year old from using the toilet before errands, so I waited. 

As I was messing with Magdalen's car seat buckles, I heard Maddox say "Help me." This wasn't out of the ordinary because we hear this a lot when he waits too long to head to the bathroom. I turned around and saw him with his pants around his knees. I asked if he had peed yet. He said yes. So, I came over to help him pull his pants back up and he says it again..."Help me." I looked up and was very confused. The hair on his forehead was soaking wet and it was dripping down his face a little. He kept pushing his hair to the side. I said, "Buddy! What did you do?" Here's what he said:

"I peed on my hair!!!" 

Now, I'm sorry. I have never thought of such a thing I guess, because I'm a girl. My first reaction was horror. Mainly because we were literally about to walk out the door. My second reaction was to laugh my head off. I started laughing and then it got even better. 

I said, "Dude...your pee comes out way down there and your hair is way up here. How did you do that?!?!" And my second favorite quote of the day was him saying in a dead serious tone, "Well, I sat down on the potty and starting peeing and I guess I just decided to be a hose man!" (WHAT?!?! I almost fell on the floor laughing at that one.)

To horrify you even more, I will openly admit that we didn't have time to change, much less bathe, so I scrubbed his head with a paper towel, washed his hands and face and off we went to run errands. I know it's not the Amanda you think you know, but desperate times call for desperate measures and I am desperately sick and only have two hands and 24 hours in a day. We had to buy a wedding gift for our nanny's shower tomorrow evening, pick up Gretchen at the groomer, get gas since my gas light came on while out, and pick up Panera for supper. Another meal out.

As we got in the car and I was almost crying because I was still laughing so hard, he said to me, "Mommy. You know I love you EVEN when I'm mad at you. I'm always loving you." Now that my friends, is worthy of "Favorite Quote" status. I love this kid. I love him enough to go out in public looking like white trash. Me un-showered, Magdalen with a gross runny nose, and Maddox with gross runny nose and PEE HEAD. I was just praying that he wouldn't tell anyone while we were out.

It comes and goes though. While holding a fussy Magdalen and getting him in bed for the night, he got mad at me and screamed, "You're stupid!" I asked him where he had heard that at because I promise you we don't use those words. He had no answer and went to bed. We'll just blame it on being sick again, right? =) The day is over. The house is a wreck. But Maddox is bathed and he and his sister are sleeping sweetly.

Sweet dreams, my little man. I love you even when I'm mad at you. =)