Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hose Man Strikes Again!

Oh no, you say? Oh YES!!!

I know everyone will think I made this story up, it just seems so crazy after what happened on Friday. But friends, I could not make this stuff up. I'm sorry. Here goes: 

A lazy Sunday morning, everything's going great. Baby girl had taken a great morning nap, we were all showered and ready to head out the door at a decent time. We decided to have brunch at Mimi's Cafe down the road, just for something fun to do. Brunch was great. Manners were great. Food stayed on the plate, that's always a plus. Then we headed to Kroger.

We arrived at the grocery store and I was excited. You see, Chad does NOT like grocery shopping together. I think he thinks it's a waste of time. Like, why should we go together if one of us could be doing something else productive? But for me, it's just another normal way to spend time as a family. =)

Magdalen was in her carseat in the cart and I took charge of Maddox while Chad drove the cart. We had gone down about 3 aisles when Maddox said those dreaded words, "Mommy, I need to go potty." Well, darn it. I had just been in there myself and didn't want to go again, must less take him. 

Horrible, I know, but I still have germ-a-phobia. I've tried so hard just to zone out when I have to help him in the public restroom setting. I don't want to think about what he's touching, I just try to focus on the fact that we WILL wash & scrub and then wash & scrub our hands some more. And then we WILL NOT touch the door on the way out, or by golly, we will wash & scrub again!!  I feel badly, as if I'm putting some irrational fear into him about public spaces, but I truly just can't help myself. Some uncontrollable force takes over inside me and I become Psycho Germ-a-phobe Mom. 

ANYWAY. We're still working on the technique out in public, and have had many successes along with a few minor mishaps. Today was an exception. A HUGE exception. Wow. 

We head to the bathroom, no big deal, and go into the biggest stall available. This is for my purposes only, the farther away the walls are from the toilet, the less likely he is to touch anything. (I know.....crazy.) I help him get ready to sit on the toilet and decide to let him sit sideways because of that weird break in the seat. It's never child-friendly. Well, let's just say I made a huge mistake, but I learned something today. 

I learned how "Hose Man" was born. 

As I held him over the seat, I was looking down to make sure I had him on there right. Before I was ready, hose man was ready. Immediately, he was peeing on his hair, across the stall, on his pants, while I am trying to dodge it and saying "Stop peeing. Stop peeing. Wait!!!" 

What can I say? I panicked. I thought he stopped for a second and I stood him up on the ground facing me and he started again. In my panicked, what-the-heck-do-I-do state, I just watched him pee all over the floor (and my pants leg) as I backed up against the far side of the stall and waited for it to end. (HORROR, I KNOW.) He then proceeded to say, "Oh no! Look Mommy, it's even on your pants" which I didn't know until he so kindly pointed it out. And then with a sheepish does-Mommy-think-that-was-funny-or-NOT look, he also quietly said, "I guess I decided to be a hose man again." Looking back, I laugh. 

He had soaked his jeans, his undies, and his Crocs. There was a puddle of pee on the floor big enough to jump in and make a splash. What would you do? I dug out my cell phone and called Chad. No answer. Of course, his phone was in the car. I couldn't leave Maddox in there alone, but I couldn't just take his clothes off and carry him naked through a grocery store!! 

So, I walked out the door and found an employee and asked for a bag for his clothes and told them there was an "accident'' that needed cleaning. I came back and realized that Maddox had followed me across the entire bathroom with his pants around his ankles and had made an even further mess. I got mad because he had moved when I told him not to, which I apologized for later. I can't expect a 3 year old to stand there like that while I walk to the door. I brought in paper towels to try and do my duty of clean-up. They were no match for that mess. So then I laid fresh paper towels down on the floor and had him sit down so I could get his dirty attire off. 

Then I had to figure out how to get him to the car. I put his half wet undies back on him, wrapped his dirty pants & shoes in the bag and had to carry him stretched flat out on his stomach like Superman through the grocery store. Are you picturing this yet? 

As I carried him very quickly, looking down each aisle for my husband & daughter, I almost started laughing. We were a sight to behold, I'm sure. When I finally spotted Chad, I yelled his name and I wish I had a picture of his face when he turned around and saw us. He totally started laughing and I just yelled (while straining under the weight of Maddox's body), "We'll be in the car!!!" Chad just calmly said "okay", chuckled, and turned around to continue shopping. 

I kept waiting for someone to stop me as I carried Superboy out the door. I'm sure we looked suspicious. We got outside and I reached in my bag and realized that I didn't have my keys. Really. Thankfully, this is when I truly started laughing and saw the plastic chairs they sell outside. Maddox and I sat down and had a nice, hot rest while waiting on Chad & Maggie girl. 

You know, they say you learn something new every day. I'm just wishing it was once a week. =)


Tina said...

Hilarious! so, I'm reading this dying laughing with tears rolling down my face while holding Katherine and she's giving me a half smile look, thinking I'm sure that her mother has completely gone crazy!

Thanks for sharing. When Xander gets there, now I know what to expect :)

Richard said...

Part of the fun of public spaces for a boy is that he gets to stand up, unlike at home. This is the perfect time to be a hose man. Just point him in the right direction first!

baby Helena's mom said...

you had michael, my sis constance, and me in stitches! thanks for sharing your not-so-fun-at-the-moment experience. love you!!!

Lisa721 said...

Amanda! This was so funny. I love the way you tell these stories, they are hillarious! Todd was even laughing as I was telling him the story!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for making my day!! this was so funny I'm crying and laughing all at the same time.... Christy Black


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