Piece Of My Heart

It's amazing how many things people can deal with and go through and still keep a smiling face for others to see. It makes me wonder what goes on behind closed doors.

I have a story like that.
About me.
And Chad, of course, but this is my perspective and how my eyes saw it and how I dealt with it.

I've never written this story down. I've never even told anyone in detail how it felt and what I did to get through that day. Because that's how I am. If you don't say or write it out loud, it's somehow less real.

So here goes....

March 19, 2008.
A day I will never forget.
Two years ago today, I lost a baby.
And I hid it from everyone I saw that day, except for Chad.

Just typing those words makes me cry again. Because now the memories of that day come flooding back. And the horror. And the helplessness. And the defeat. And the stress of remaining "normal".

But let me back up a little and tell you more.

The month after Maddox turned 1 year old, Chad and I started trying for another baby. It had taken me no time at all to get pregnant with Maddox, so when 3 months had gone by and I was still not pregnant this second time, I saw my doctor. He said, Don't worry! Be patient.

Well, okay. Three months is not long. And then, 6 months came along and I saw a new doctor. (This doctor, I love! So sincere, encouraging, and understanding.) He agreed with me that I was dealing with secondary infertility and told me my options.

Since I was starting to panic inside (and obsess daily) about this, I decided to start on fertility drugs. He put me on Clomid to make my body work properly and I thought....Ok, here we go!

Months went by and with each passing day I became more obsessed with reading about it, looking at the Clomid message boards on a baby site, and wondering what else I could do to up our chances. If you haven't dealt with this, then you will not believe the money that goes into this obsession. The pills, the ovulation predictor kits, the pregnancy tests (because you have to know NOW if it worked), etc.

I had told only 1 or 2 people that we were trying for another child. Neither of these people were family. I only told people who had no connection with my family or friends back home because I didn't want that pressure and wondering going on.

So, imagine my excitement, elation, giddiness, and thankfulness when finally, TWELVE MONTHS later, I found out I was pregnant!! I don't remember the day, but it was in March and we had just had a tragedy in our family and I was so excited that this happy news might overshadow that a little bit.

The morning of March 19th, I woke up and was all packed to go out of town. Maddox and I were going to visit my mother and some other friends for a long weekend. And most exciting of all for me, I was going to the Hotel Cafe Tour 2008 concert in Atlanta that night. Mom was babysitting for that. :)

Chad was about to leave for work, I was showering before we left, and Maddox was just waiting. And that's when it started happening. 

I got out of the shower. Shaking. I yelled for Chad and told him what was happening. And we just sort of looked at each other with these expressions like "Oh no."

I knew I couldn't lose my mind because I needed to just leave. I wasn't changing my plans. And I tried to tell myself that it wasn't real.

But I knew. 

And more importantly, I knew I had to be a mommy for the perfect little man THAT I ALREADY HAD. I kept looking at Maddox thinking - Remember, you have a child. You HAVE a child. Remember this. Keep it together. Be thankful.

I told Chad to go on to work and he did. There was nothing we could do. 

I started to drive out of town and just kept thinking about what was happening right then. And it made me sick to my stomach.

My nurse called and the sweet lady told me that she was terribly sorry, but I was miscarrying and there was nothing I could do. I asked her....what do I do now? She said, well you're early enough that you can try again this month. If you want.

I was not going to give up.

I had to get past this somehow, so she called in a new prescription for another round of Clomid so I would be ready the next time. Yuck. Another. round. of. Clomid. (If you've never taken it, then you don't know how awful the side effects can be.)

I got to my mom's house a few hours later and must have put on a good show, because not one person asked me if I was okay. I was totally pulled together, but inside my heart was breaking. 

I dropped Maddox with her, picked up my sister-in-law, Becky, and we headed to that concert.

Thank God for beautiful music and a place to get lost in it. 

There at Center Stage, Atlanta, was where I focused on the music, the moment, and the overwhelming thoughts in my head. 

Becky was exhausted from working at the hospital all day, so she was just happy to sit and rest her feet in a seat near the front. I'm so thankful for that also. I needed that concert alone that day. 

I walked up front and was about 3 feet from the stage. 

The music was beautiful. 

It was meaningful.

They made me laugh. 

The songs made me think of my love for Chad and Maddox and how I was so lucky.  

Even though this horrible thing was happening to me. Right there. 

It was a healing experience for me. I can't quite describe it. Too many emotions were swarming my mind, but music can help patch your broken heart. Even when a little piece is missing.

I stood there for 2 hours absorbing those sounds, choking back my sobs....but it was okay. I was alone in a sea of people and was able to really feel that moment. 

I recently found these videos on Youtube of the exact concert I was at that night. I watched them and whoa...that feeling in my gut came rolling back in and I remembered. It was hard. But I really wanted to share some of these amazing songs. Except for Keep Breathing & Sky, these videos are from that night. You can click on each song title to listen. These lyrics & melodies mean so much to me.

When you are looking at the stage, I was standing just to the right of Joshua when he was singing with Ingrid. I think there were 3 people in front of me. It was amazing.

Every time I hear each of these songs, I specifically think of what I was going through that day.

And that's okay. Remembering is good. :)

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

Lovely Tonight - Joshua Radin featuring Ingrid Michaelson

Closer - Joshua Radin

The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson

Sky - Joshua Radin featuring Ingrid Michaelson

Super nice guy (Joshua Radin) with me and Becky.

I know this was long and I could share so much more from that day, but I won't. At least for now. It just felt good to share this today.